+where

i wish this term could end right this very moment. and the holidays would zoom.and this whole place could start a fresh. naiive as it may sound. what else is new.
i'm sick of fighting. fucking sick of it. fuck. i have nothing to do but tire myself in circles.
i have no one to hear me out now. everyone's busy with their own shit. or simply just too damn stuck in their own honeymoon world. so what's left. me. alone.empty. but fucking hole right in the middle of me, cuz the person that meant most to me, now isn't there. perfect feeling just before a holiday. nothing can fix this.
which then leads me to refusing to believing in anything anymore. no, not denial, so i can pick another fight, and no not being so naiive to think it'd be alright. this issue is way long overdue, and my lag to this has made the hate for myself pile up even more. dejavu? no. karma? funny enough, last time it didn't even hurt, now i understand why she cried and plummeted, while i lived on normally. i really never got it until today.
you've told me again & again. i deserve better, you used me. alright. i'm not that stupid. because you haven't been the only one telling me that. but i refuse to accept it, day in day out, even til this very moment. i see better in you, i have confidence in you, i once said, "i don't fucking care what other people think or say about you, its only what i think that matters", essentially its my life, so no one else gets to judge what's wrong or right in it.
& you know what, i even more refuse to believe, "i fed you to the dragons",& you want the honesty? what the hell have i done to deseve this, you make it sound like i'm some satin that's swept you off the ground, and told you all the lies in the world. i know. i've been too fucking nice. too fucking soft, too fucking shit to expressing my feelings, thus leading you down the worse tracks, putting the worse words in your mouth. so it leaves me now the suicidal cynical depressed one right. so there's no point for me to complain, no point to keep cutting myself or even go smoke a ciggerette.
too many fights. too many agruments. too many memories. your friend Syahmi was right.this is just another part of life. if you learn to live without my fuel so should i. i just need to learn to walk again. just let this be a lesson to hate the reality of high school.
i don't need anyone now. i don't even need myself. i need space.