+cram

last minute cramming. this can't be good for me. or my grades. however
my foolish and irresponsible actions has once again made me forget about something important.

+where

i wish this term could end right this very moment. and the holidays would zoom.and this whole place could start a fresh. naiive as it may sound. what else is new.
i'm sick of fighting. fucking sick of it. fuck. i have nothing to do but tire myself in circles.
i have no one to hear me out now. everyone's busy with their own shit. or simply just too damn stuck in their own honeymoon world. so what's left. me. alone.empty. but fucking hole right in the middle of me, cuz the person that meant most to me, now isn't there. perfect feeling just before a holiday. nothing can fix this.
which then leads me to refusing to believing in anything anymore. no, not denial, so i can pick another fight, and no not being so naiive to think it'd be alright. this issue is way long overdue, and my lag to this has made the hate for myself pile up even more. dejavu? no. karma? funny enough, last time it didn't even hurt, now i understand why she cried and plummeted, while i lived on normally. i really never got it until today.
you've told me again & again. i deserve better, you used me. alright. i'm not that stupid. because you haven't been the only one telling me that. but i refuse to accept it, day in day out, even til this very moment. i see better in you, i have confidence in you, i once said, "i don't fucking care what other people think or say about you, its only what i think that matters", essentially its my life, so no one else gets to judge what's wrong or right in it.
& you know what, i even more refuse to believe, "i fed you to the dragons",& you want the honesty? what the hell have i done to deseve this, you make it sound like i'm some satin that's swept you off the ground, and told you all the lies in the world. i know. i've been too fucking nice. too fucking soft, too fucking shit to expressing my feelings, thus leading you down the worse tracks, putting the worse words in your mouth. so it leaves me now the suicidal cynical depressed one right. so there's no point for me to complain, no point to keep cutting myself or even go smoke a ciggerette.
too many fights. too many agruments. too many memories. your friend Syahmi was right.this is just another part of life. if you learn to live without my fuel so should i. i just need to learn to walk again. just let this be a lesson to hate the reality of high school.
i don't need anyone now. i don't even need myself. i need space.

+zoom

the dig you can have. there's only 10. tell me when you've used it up. or are using them i'd like to join.
i'm not angry. i'm just tired. i want to crack, let everything go wild. fast forward or rewind time. i want to express whatever is inside me, or even do something, to make it go away.but what are the consequences. does it change anything? does it make anyone out there have a better day? does it make you have a better day? i could say all the worse things in the world, use every word you've said against you. but what's the point.
i'm too soft. too scared to face any consequences. too unsure of my abilities.too unaccustomed. too disabled.

+satisfaction

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense: "Your Honor," she began coolly: "I figured that, at 92, if he could screw, he could also fly."

+enough

There's enough of me here. so for the time being i guess something more worth reading should take place...

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said: "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."On the way home, the husband asked his wife: "What did the doctor say?"“He said you're going to die," she replied.

+brief

i feel like i'm about to collapse. i should've been brief. shouldn't have asked so many questions.
should've made you smile instead of making you agitated in multiple moments. i hope the last time you were happy, i was with you there. cuz the last time i was happy you were. cliche or not.
i have to much to say but so difficult to express. perhaps because its contradicting. no one's here to listen or understand. (ironic that you wanted alone time huh) i should've been firm from the start. no point regretting now. no point looking back. like many many other things i guess with that too.
many things in life are so contradicting.
follow wat makes you laugh and smile, what you caught or was there for you in your worse times. i hope i was.

add on:
forgive my impatience. my rudeness. my ignorance. my inability to read body language. my stupidity. my stubbornness. my naiivity. my wishful thinking.

+swish

jie. thanks for calling me up last night. i don't know how you manage. but with so many problems of your own all messing up @ the same moment & not to mention your exams. how on earth do you manage to give me so much patience and assurance. once again thanks so much.

i sit on my bed every night and procrastinate. it's nice its silent. i never enjoyed the night in such manner really. sleep seems unattractive now.

+begin

edgy. stupid. cold. that's me.

purpose? barely.

mood? hard to describe. hard to feel even.

i want to speak a million words. but no one is hear to listen. because no one wants to listen to a fool like me.i understand that. but such there are worse positions to be in. so i'll deal. i'll be fine.

+kill

i don't know where i leave myself. but its certainly not in the best places. felt like i was insane fighting about something so minor. i regret every fight we have. & this one was started by me. i want to scream and shout. sadly i can't. great.

+bananagrams

do i really have to spit everything out? everything that's on my mind this very moment?

here's one thing i want to say, i want window of opportunities. something i haven't gotten the whole of last week. yes yes i know opportunites are created by your own endeavour. but trust me i have tried. my brain is fried to its worse extent. but there's still so much going on i want to do. not i need to. in so little time. so honestly i don't want my holidays, but i'm no fan of this hole either. so where does that leave me? i feel empty. my mood is the opposite to today's weather.

八婆

with all due respect. i get you're frustrated. but whilst i was in the shower i had a tiny epiphany:
thing is benno is such a "dodgy" person. i can't find another word for it. she says yes yes i give you your trust back. let's move on happy happy joy joy. then why on earth are you (benno) still being so stubborn to not let you become prefect. benno's purely being unfair and stubborn. caught up in the past. don't judge for what someone's done, but judge for what potential of sucess they can create. benno just wait and see. wait til one of ur future prefects caught having sexual relationships. or another hated by the entire garnett cuz of her gossiping.
i spoke to mitch, he said if he didn't leave i would've made it. benno seriously. wat is ur problem.
i had to vent this out. i was about to run over naked to garnett vent it out/complain to benno. so dun worry if you didn't get it. dun get frustrated over yourself. be frustrated about ur ignorant, stubborn, injustice head of house.
ok i think that should be enough
i feel a bit silly yet logical now.

add on:
i want to scream and punch cuz on the insanity & madness in this world.

衝動

urm yes. weather is causing it too hot to sleep now.
so staying up til 1ish isn't a bad alternative.
my nature is something i like and mostly dislike.
gives me an increasing sense of stupidity and irrationality. how interesting.

+moderation

try blindfold this. and fly like you're a free bird.
play like a 3 year old kid who's first time playing in a playground.
smile like you're a 7 yr old who's received their first toy car.
act like an 18 yr old who isn't immature no more.
work like a 30 yr old with the weight of the world on your shoulders.
think. like a 17 yr old. playfully. happily.responsibly.
follow what your mind wants to make you smile.

藕断丝连

a bus ride full of your music. a badminton session worth of 3 sets and 5 points.
you sick. me sick.
discovering things i never knew but somewhat saw them coming.

i hav things rattling inside my mind @ 5 in the morning.
i hav to see scuders sometime.
i hav to update my eco portfolio.
i hav a lunch with marv & kenny. dinner w/ wei.
i hav to lead my team to the top 4 of the ladder this season.
i hav to keep you in the firsts.
i hav to make you get better.
i hav to hear your amazing performaces.
i hav to not let you hav cold hands.
i hav to keep you away from kennedy.
i hav to share a water bottle with you.
i hav to play bananagrams with you.
i hav to graffiti over ur eco book.
i hav to have you injure my privates when i only squirt water on you.
i hav to see you.
i hav to hug you.
i hav to hav you in my life.
i hav to....(that one's confidential ;P)

i'm clingy so deal with it.

+gone

they're dead and gone.
hav i changed. i'm scared. idk. pending investigation.

+back

mr moore (commerical director of ggs) i am going to interrogate your ass tmr. how did my school fees end up on some tram with little kiddie photos saying "destination: exceptional education"?!
ok weekend's over. my relaxingly long weekend is over. pressure is back on. suffocatingly back on. if that is even a word. so embrace it,it's not like it's going to happen a second time. you only live once right.

however thankyou for your post. a gazallion thankyou's. BUT i don't get tipsy after a few hours k i just get mildly dizzy.

do you want to know a secret. you know how one of my life goals to make you cringe yeh?

well here's my long established second one, it's to wake up everyday and attempt in some way or form to remind you that i love you. even if the world is coming down. even if i'm grasping for my last breath of air. i just want to tell you my love for you hasn't changed. cuz you really make up all my emotions.